The system

Today I wanted to post about a subject that has become very close to my heart - babies and children in the foster care system of Oklahoma. So grab a cup of coffee and settle in. This is a long one.

Even before Mark and I had our children, stories or newspaper articles about parents who either did something harmful to their child or neglected them all together would make me deeply saddened, furious, and sometimes physically sick to my stomach. The stories would typically end with the child being removed from the home and placed in state [DHS] custody. As an outsider it's easy to simply change the channel, put down the newspaper or say a prayer for that child and move on with the day.

When Ian and Anna arrived and I felt for myself the deepest emotional connection possible for another human being - parenthood - hearing these stories hurt that much more. In a depressed economy where the moral fiber of society seems to be unraveling at a rapid rate, these stories seem more and more prevalent in the news and that is so very troubling for the innocent children involved.

I fully understand that we are all human and we all get frustrated and a bit lost sometimes as parents. There is no magic wand that makes each day easy. But when people who already lack basic coping skills mix drugs, alcohol, money problems, etc. with parenthood, the result is often tragic.

The even sadder part is a growing number of the news stories are about inept foster parents who take in too many children while not having the emotional, physical or financial means to care for them properly. Or they take in as many children as they are allowed, simply for the monthly financial compensation; not because they genuinely care about changing the lives of their foster children. So not only have the biological parents failed the child, now the foster family [the supposed safe haven for these kids] has emotionally scarred this child even more.

Let me briefly pause and say that I am certain there are numerous loving, nurturing and genuine foster parents out there and I applaud [loudly and on my feet] those families for their dedication. As I learn more about fostering and the system, I have heard stories of such families and it is amazing to imagine how many young lives they have influenced in a positive way. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could turn on the news and hear positive stories like this?

In the book For Faith & Family by Dr. Richard Land, he notes these statistics about today's family structure:

-Less than half of our kids grow up in intact families. In 1960, 80% of children were raised in families where their parents were married and in the home together.


- There are nearly one million divorces in America each year.


- Every hour our children watch 78 violent acts on television.


- In the last 10 years there has been a 400% increase in child abuse significant enough to need a doctor's attention.

And Dr. Land hit the nail on the head when he wrote, "Nothing can replace the family as THE nurturing environment for healthy human growth and emotional and spiritual development. We face a crisis of the mind, of the heart, and of the spirit. We must do the right thing with the right motive to turn the trend around."

Now that I am a parent I couldn't just turn off the television and forget about the children in these stories. I began to wonder what happens to these children once they are in state care. What is their life like and who exactly takes care of them? I knew nothing about the foster care system but the Lord put the desire in my heart to learn. I began researching online, almost nightly, about the system. As many people often do, I associated troubled teens or unruly youth with foster care. But to my surprise there is an overwhelming number of toddlers and babies, some just days old, who are thrust into state-run shelters and the foster care system and remain there for months or even years; never having the stability of a loving parental bond. As I read and researched more about the babies lost in the system, the statistics were startling to me. It truly is a crisis.

An excerpt from the web site of a local ministry called Anna's House...

According to Oklahoma DHS statistics, in October of 2010 there were over 8393 children in foster care in the state of Oklahoma; of those 8000 over 40% were under the age of four. Some 1,067 of these little ones are in Oklahoma County alone. Currently, there are just 282 foster families in Oklahoma County; not nearly enough. The need is great.

...They [children] often spend time in county shelters, move from foster home to foster home, change schools, lose connections with friends and extended family.

...Infants often stay in hospitals long after birth because there is no room in the shelter and emergency foster homes are few. This constant instability can, and often does lead to children facing as much emotional damage in the system as staying in the unhealthy environment from which they were removed.

...Disrupted attachment disorders are common among these children when they do not bond with a caregiver from the earliest days.

My eyes were widened even more after reading this excerpt from another site detailing the foster care crisis as it relates to babies -

Recent research by child psychologists and pediatricians, most notably Robin Karr-Morse and Meredith S. Wiley’s groundbreaking Ghosts From The Nursery, tells us that babies are much more sensitive to these changes in caregivers than older kids. Babies need a stimulating environment, with consistent and attentive nurturing and predictable caregivers, for healthy physical and emotional development. Any deficiency in these requirements actually prevents the parts of the brain that handle attachment and bonding from physically developing. And once the child has passed 3 years of age, it is physically nearly impossible for the human brain to make major physical changes. These deficiencies in bonding and attachment, in turn, stunt the development of empathy, trust, and conscience. And violent behavior is much easier for a person lacking in these areas.

I recently had the blessing of visiting a local emergency shelter and it was a truly humbling experience. I prayed on the way there that, among other things, God would help me to control my emotions and prepare my heart. As I watched a table of toddlers eat lunch I was overcome with emotions at the idea that these kids aren’t sitting at a daycare or preschool table. They don’t get to hug their mom or dad at night, they are living with strangers right now, separated from siblings, and all of them have been abused or neglected in some way. Seeing children in a shelter who were the same age as my own kids was very difficult.

My heart breaks for all the children who are in county shelters or unloving foster homes where they have no one familiar to hold them, protect them, teach them, show them God's grace, and love them unconditionally. No parent to hug, kiss and tell them they love them upon waking.

The county shelter I visited provides care for children from birth through age 18. Babies and children under the age of 5 are only supposed to stay one day until placed in an emergency foster home but because of a huge shortage in licensed foster homes, they stay in shelters days or even weeks. Some of the middle school age kids have been there upwards of two or three months. For most of the older kids this is not their first time there.

I'll close with a poignant story from Dr. Land's book...

A young boy went along the beach at low tide, busily scooping up stranded starfish and throwing them back in the surf.


"You can't save all the starfish," his mother yelled. "It doesn't matter."


"It matters to this one," the boy said smiling, holding a starfish aloft in his hand before tossing it back toward the water.


Take care of what you can. You can't save everyone but we can each do something and together we can do a lot.